A total solar eclipse is passing across America and apparently, some people are panicking. Is it the end of the world? Or is it just another calendar event that we've seen before and works like clockwork? Glenn and Stu review some of the craziest historical and modern interpretations of the solar eclipse: Is a giant frog eating the sun? Are the sun and moon mating? Is Mercury in retrograde? Is it all a government psy-op? But one thing is definitely true: People are paying a lot of money for hotels along the eclipse's path...and Glenn has an offer for them.
Transcript
Below is a rush transcript that may contain errors
STU: Are you okay? Very concerned.
GLENN: I'm very concerned, Stu.
I've been reading about some of the things that people believe about the solar eclipse. You should wear black if you're pregnant. Wear black today. Here's why. If you're not wearing -- if you're outside and the solar eclipse happened and you're wearing black, your baby will be born with a birthmark.
Now, I've got birthmarks on me. And I don't think I was born on an eclipse. But I could have been, and I didn't even know it.
Keep your infant away from windows.
STU: Almost seems like good advice. Doesn't it?
GLENN: Well --
STU: Because if they open their eyes, they look at the sun, they won't have the glasses on.
GLENN: Oh, I was thinking about, just, generally speaking. Yeah, I guess it is. To keep your babies away from open windows.
STU: From open windows, in particular, yes. At high altitudes.
GLENN: Right. Yeah. So a lot of people are -- are freaking out about this.
STU: Yeah. I noticed that. That's strange to me.
GLENN: That -- is that because we're freaked out about everything else?
Because we know what these are. And I'm going to -- I'm a doctor, okay?
I'm a doctor, so I can explain this to you. I'll try to dumb it down.
But there are three big bodies, like planets. And I'm not talking about my big body.
I'm talking about like the earth, then there's the sun. Which is not a planet.
It's -- it's just gaseous.
(laughter)
Sorry. And then there's the moon.
And the moon and the earth and the sun, we kind of rotate around. You know.
We go around the sun, and the moon goes around us. And occasionally, the moon blocks the sun from our vantage point.
STU: You're still believing that hype?
GLENN: I'm just following the science, man. That's all I'm doing.
STU: Right. How do you not know the truth? Occasionally the sun needs to recharge. It's a giant CIA scam. It has a giant battery.
So they switch the batteries out. It's a, quote, unquote, solar eclipse. But I didn't think anybody believed the whole moon/sun thing.
GLENN: I mean, it's happening.
STU: It happens to be the perfect distance away. To cover the sun exactly.
Does anyone buy that.
GLENN: It's only from our vantage point.
Certain parts. You see what I mean?
Now, the Navajos believe that the sun and moon are mating.
STU: I can buy that. Sun is pretty hot. You know. And the moon.
GLENN: Oh, it's cold.
STU: Why do you think they call it mooning?
GLENN: So the eclipse is just the moon and the sun, mating. Please, please, can we stop with all of this sex in front of our children?
I would like to ban the eclipse today. Because I find it wholly inappropriate.
Anyway, as soon as the -- I mean, it's fast.
There's not a big gestation period. It's when the moon finally moves away from the sun.
There's a birth of a new era. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
Now, the Taos people, the Taos Pueblo of New Mexico, they believe you need to stay indoors, keep your babies from the windows.
The Cherokees say the eclipse means a giant frog in the sky, is trying to eat the sun.
That one, I considered for a while today.
STU: That seems legit.
GLENN: Yeah. I mean, that could happen. They're already turning the frogs gay.
Now the gay frogs are going to eat the sun. So that's why you have to go outside and be make big noise with drums. Whistles. Or just your voice, to scare away the frog. Jump frog!
Now, an astronomer at the Frankl Institute, he says, you know, this is all nonsense.
It's science.
It's just the moon moving in front of the sun. It happens. It's part of the clockwork of -- blah, blah, blah, blah.
However, Stephanie Renee, with two E's and an accent grande. She's known as the Vibe Mistress. She's not just the Vibe Mistress. She's the Vibe Mistress of the Soul Sanctuary, which is a nonprofit arts, education foundation. Damn it, she shouldn't have to pay taxes, okay?
She's the Vibe Mistress.
She says, because she studies astrology, this is a new beginning, and marks a radical change.
She said, it's a radical movement, moving forward, in your own individual energy.
Right now, I can feel it. There's -- this is like a -- I don't know highway to describe it. You know how you have butterflies in your stomach. I feel like I have anarchists in my stomach right now.
There is some radical movement that is moving inside of me.
I don't know. I don't know.
I just hope before the moon and the sun mate. That I can crap them all out.
Flush them down the toilet.
Anyway, she says, this is happening this time with Mercury.
Come on, say it. What's the worst possible scenario?
Mercury is in?
STU: Retrograde.
GLENN: Yes! Even you knew that. Even you knew that.
This means, that we are -- because Mercury is in retrograde, this means we have to double and triple check what you think or what you say, or what you do.
Now, even if Mercury is not in retrograde, which it is, and I'm not mocking it. I think it's a good safety tip for all of us, especially now.
We should, again, double and triple check what you say, what you think, and what you do.
Huh. That's profound. I wouldn't have gotten that, if Mercury was in retrograde.
STU: You don't want to do that regularly anyway.
GLENN: No, I don't want to do it regularly. But Mercury is on retrograde, on the day of the Eclipse.
In fact, people should be careful about making major purchases. I'm glad she caught me.
Because I was going to make a major purchase of something today. I don't even know what.
But I got up this morning. Maybe it's the anarchist in my stomach, that are building up this radical movement inside of me. That I'm like, I have to go buy something.
I have to go buy something big. And I'm not even going to read the contract. But Mercury is in retrograde. So I'm going to think twice. And a third time about doing that.
Don't make any major purchases. Don't sign any contracts. And there should be a high level of caution.
She also says, it's significant, that this eclipse is happening as the skies enter the astrological sign of Aries. And we all know what that means. Means that you have all this Aries energy. Right?
Don't I hate it when you have the Aries energy. Oh, I hate that.
It's pushing you forward.
You know, in an eclipse. That's about an inner shift inside of you. At the same time, Mercury in retrograde is telling to you slow down.
But Aries is saying, speed up. So you're fighting right now. Speed up, slow down.
Do I buy something ridiculously expensive, without reading a contract today, or not?
Mercury says no. Aries says yes.
I don't know.
The world is in confusion. But all you have to do, is check. Double-check. Triple check.
Boy, I'm glad. I mean, I see why she's not paying taxes. Don't you? Seriously.
STU: That's fascinating.
I might be more fascinated in the fact that people flew from all over the country, to come see this happen. Is going to be cloudy.
GLENN: Well, not everywhere.
It's just here in Dallas.
STU: I've heard a lot of this path, is going to wind up with clouds, which is rough.
GLENN: Yeah. So here in Dallas, I read that some people have been, you know, staying at the Ritz-Carlton.
And they got a two-day stay for $6,700.
STU: Oh, my gosh.
GLENN: Uh-huh. Sixty-seven.
Now, it's cloudy.
So I just want to tell those, that paid 67,000.
STU: Hundred.
GLENN: Or, yeah. 6700.
You can come to my house, for an additional 10,000, and have mac and cheese.
I'm just saying.
STU: Wow. So you're going to charge more. But you're also going to provide mac and cheese.
Now, I've had your mac and cheese, it's delicious.
GLENN: It is delicious.
It's right from the box. It's very, very good.
It's just $10,000. That's it, per person.
I mean --
STU: Well, you can't be crazy.
GLENN: You can't be crazy, but it's an eclipse special only. Okay?
So if you're here from the eclipse. And you feel like a sucker, just spend ten grand. Come over. Have mac and cheese with me. And you won't feel like a sucker anymore. Uh-huh.
STU: Are you -- is this something you'll go out in the parking lot today, and like, observe? Are you into it, that much.
Or are you, this is ridiculous, I'm not going to --
GLENN: It's history.
STU: It is.
It's one in 17. I remember standing in the parking lot, awkwardly in 2017. I really don't remember much about it.
And I don't remember thinking, it was such a big deal. Before 2017, the last time I guess it happened, was in 1979? It's not going to happen again, until 2024.
GLENN: Yeah. Yeah, we're done. We're done. This is it. This is it.
If we survive today. If we survive today, it will be 2044 or whatever, long after our death.
You know, and it will be a lot hotter then. Uh-huh.
STU: Uh-huh. Yeah.
GLENN: Because --
STU: Global warming.
GLENN: Okay. So the earth has gravitational pull on the moon, right?
Okay. Well, the earth and the moon are going to have an extra gravitational pull on the sun today.
STU: Really?
GLENN: And it could. We don't know. It's like a yo-yo sometimes.
Come at us. And then it will snap back. Don't worry.
But it could come right at us today, which would be bad for North America.
Fine, if you're in -- if you're listening to us in Asia. You're good.
But North America, could be gone from the earth. It could happen.
STU: It could happen. Now, your analysis will be put in the next article about all the stupid theories.
GLENN: I just -- I really don't know what's happening.
Is it because we're so screwed up.
Is it because we're living in such chaos right now, that people are. Because I've never heard this were. I was there at '79. I was there at '17. We know what this is.
STU: Right. Someone was pointing out, that, you know, back in the day, this is when they thought the world was ending.
And like, kind of understandable.
I think if I were just in the middle -- you didn't have any satellites. You didn't know any of this stuff.
All of a sudden, the whole earth went dark in the middle of the day.
I think that's a pretty reasonable summary.
GLENN: I did.
Imagine if you didn't know, that this is the way things happen. Imagine if you didn't know that.
And even today, if we wouldn't have talked about it in advance. If we didn't know, in advance.
They were just like, oh, yeah. It was an eclipse.
A lot of people would be like, what the hell just happened?
But we know. We know.
STU: Yeah. I feel like there's still stuff that's like this too.
I feel like there's still things in this world. That we don't have any understanding of.
And we think are totally random.
If 50 years.
People will be like.
Like a tornado is one of them.
There has to be some way to know that a tornado is around the world.
And we stand there. Oh -- that's it.
Let's put our cameras outside.
We will film it.
Until --
GLENN: It's right on top of us!
STU: Right. Exactly.
GLENN: Then we will go, oh, crap. I should have gone into a basement.