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BREAKING: Beto 2020 campaign memo found in El Paso coffee shop!

April 01, 2019
Nathan Nipper

An astute fan of the Glenn Beck Program recently found a curious document that was apparently left on a corner table of an El Paso coffee shop. Upon closer examination of the coffee-stained pages, the fan was rather surprised to discover it was a Beto campaign memo containing the rough draft of a communication from Beto to the nation explaining his campaign for president. The pages contained plenty of red ink – obviously whichever campaign adviser reviewed the communication wanted a lot of changes. They didn't mince words either, writing " Must discuss ASAP!" in red at the top of the first page. On page three, when Beto apparently planned to address the time he broke into the University of Texas at El Paso campus, the adviser bluntly wrote, "What? No." in the margin. Below is the full text of Beto's draft:

America! You may've heard – I'm running for president. That's right, I'm throwing my sombrero in the ring so to speak. And man, is it going to be fun. The road trip of my dreams. Just me, my guitar, and the open road. And a small group of traveling fans (some refer to them as the "press corps").

So, for those who don't know me yet – are you living in a cave? JK. Of course you've heard of me. You've also probably heard, thanks to some of my conservative compadres, that "Beto" is not my given name. That is true. But my truth is that I self-identify as Beto. Because Beto is the only name that fully encapsulates who I am – a millionaire, cultural appropriating Gen X-er with an open mind and an even opener heart. Just a sincere dude with an unfulfilled rock star fantasy, massive father-pleasing-baggage, and a generous helping of political opportunism and white, male, Ivy League privilege. F***, did I just over-share? I have a tendency to over-share. I also have a tendency to say f*** a lot. LOL.

You may've heard I'm married to the only daughter of a Texas real estate billionaire. That is also true. I can read between the lines, I hear the snarky whispers – did he marry for love or money? And I say, it's the 21st century, why can't we marry for both? I believe in an America where anyone can get married for the love of money.

Yes, like everyone, I've got a few skeletons in my closet. So, let's air the dirty laundry. During my Senate campaign last year, I aired my dirty laundry all the time on Facebook Lives from Laundromats all across Texas. But seriously, about that DWI when I was 26 – I honestly prefer to think of it as "Driving With Intent… to have a good time." People say I crashed into a truck and tried to flee the scene. But "hit and run" implies baseball, and I was never much of a baseball player. But I did row crew at Columbia. Not many guys with Hispanic first names can lay claim to that.

The truth is, I like beer. But not as much as that Kavanaugh guy, am I right? Let's talk about the truck that was in my path that night. Think about what that guy was likely dealing with – minimum wage job, probably barely afforded the gas that had him on the interstate. Imagine if he had had a living wage. Imagine an America where he could've afforded a faster car to get out of the way of my youthful driving, or maybe one of those fancy ones with side-view mirror blind spot warnings. Shouldn't we want side-view mirror warning lights for all? See, this is the kind of constructive conversation I want to have with you in Beto's Beanbag Bungalow.

I know we're going to become fast pals, America. Because I'm just one of you. We're just a couple bros, or, make that one bro and one lady, or one bro and a bro who identifies as a lady. Or whatever floats your boat because I want you to know I am totally down with that. But for the purposes of my scenario here, we're just a couple bros – you and me, America – kicked back on a couple of beanbags, sipping on craft beers from a local craft brewery, just hanging out in my bungalow. Think of Beto's Beanbag Bungalow as a metaphorical safe space where we can just be bros and figure out life together. We can talk through the tough issues facing our great land, and then decide where we stand based on consensus, quality polling, and wise counsel

from trusted friends at a handful of reputable national media outlets. And canvassing. Lots and lots of neighborhood canvassing. Because I don't know what I'm talking about most of the time, and neither do you. We don't have all the answers. But as long as we can agree to agree on the national legalization of pot, then the sky's the limit on what we can figure out together.

Take immigration for example. I can identify with border fence jumpers, because I too had to hop a fence once for a prank. And exactly like illegal immigrants who get unfairly arrested by evil ICE agents, I was apprehended by campus police just because I jumped the fence at the University of Texas at El Paso. Once I told them I wasn't actually a student there, that I'd actually been out of college for a few years, and once I told them my dad was a county judge, they were totally cool with it. Why can't we just be cool like that with our border crossers? We just need to find out who they really are, and who their dad is, and it'll be all good in the hood so to speak.

As for some of the other really hard issues of our time, critics say I avoid firm stances. But a lot of critics are just closet musicians who never got to rock out on a real stage. I've got plenty of stances…

Am I for or against a border wall? Sure.

Green New Deal or the status quo? Absolutely.

Socialism or capitalism? I'm actually for merging with Canada and Mexico to form the United States of Camerico.

Abortion? Yes, as long as it's the woman's choice.

Medicare for all? I prefer to call it Medicare for y'all, because I'm set for life. Just kidding. Of course I want free health care for all minorities.

Enough of the boring policy stuff. A little bit about my personal interests – like my terrific wife Amy, and our three kids that she raises: Ulysses, Molly and Henry. One of my campaign goals is to figure out replacement Hispanic names for each of them by the time I take office. Currently I'm leaning toward "Ariana", "Umberto", "Macarena", and "Hernando" respectively. I'm open to suggestions.

I think you already know about my taste in punk music. I also like shredding parking lots on my skateboard. In fact, as president, my first Executive Order would be ripping out the White House bowling alley and replacing it with some sweet skate ramps. I want to do things that will bring America together and I think America would agree that a skate park inside the White House would be totally dope. You can expect to see a lot of changes like that in the Beto White House.

I think you already know about my taste in punk music. I also like shredding parking lots on my skateboard.

One of my top priorities as president will be an annex to the West Wing that will serve as a rehab center for squirrels. Let me explain. During my debate last fall with Ted Cruz, I mentioned the time I went with my daughter to visit a blind squirrel that was in rehab. That

was an epic father/daughter/squirrel moment – so pure, raw, and real. There are so many squirrels on the White House grounds. And, to our nation's shame, we have yet to earmark a single dime in federal spending to help preserve these helpless creatures. They're not anywhere close to being endangered, but try telling that to the millennial squirrels who can see climate disaster on the horizon. Well, those who can see that is. That's why I want to establish our nation's first Center for Blind Squirrels, or CBS.

With their boundless energy and uncanny ability to save acorns for the future, squirrels remind me of you, America. Squirrels rely on the tree, and the tree is like the federal government. When it's healthy and strong, and not hampered by climate change, it provides everything we need for an abundant life. The squirrels don't have a care in the world, just scampering around the tree, enjoying all the entitlements that the tree incurs massive debt to provide. In fact, if I'm elected president, in my first hundred days I will direct Congress to change the national symbol of the U.S. from an eagle – which no one ever gets to see in the wild anyway – to the squirrel, which is in virtually every American's backyard. That way, every citizen will have a constant reminder of who we are as Americans – nimble, skittish, and utterly dependent on the tree.

Remember, all squirrels are welcome at the Bungalow… pull up a beanbag! Just check your convictions at the door. Because convictions are kind of like handguns. They can be super dangerous. So, they're best left with the safety on and locked in a gun safe. Or never purchased at all. You get the picture.

America, as I embark on this ultimate historic campaign road trip, I can only make you one absolute promise from the bottom of my heart… I will Facebook Live the whole thing.

In conclusion, to borrow a line from that cinematic classic from our BFFs across the pond, Notting Hill: "I'm just a boy – Beto – standing in front of a girl/boy/non-binary-America, asking him/her/it to love him."

America, as I embark on this ultimate historic campaign road trip, I can only make you one absolute promise from the bottom of my heart… I will Facebook Live the whole thing. From my morning bed-head and brushing my teeth, to my post-Whataburger bathroom trips, to my late-night-slow-burn air drum solos behind the steering wheel of my SUV, to my wife tucking me in at night with my favorite bedtime story – Dealing Death and Drugs: The Big Business of Dope in the U.S. and Mexico by Beto O'Rourke – it's going to be all Beto, all the time. At least until I gracefully bow out of the race to become Joe Biden's running mate and pretend like this wasn't the plan all along.

[NOTE: The preceding Memo was a parody written by MRA writer Nathan Nipper – not Beto O'Rourke. April Fools!]

The Deep State's NEW plan to backstab Trump

Brandon Bell / Staff | Getty Images

We cannot make the same mistake we made in 2016 — celebrating victory while the deep state plots its next move.

In 2016, Donald Trump shocked the world by defeating Hillary Clinton. Conservatives cheered, believing we’d taken back the reins of our country. But we missed the bigger battle. We failed to recognize the extent of the damage caused by eight years of Barack Obama and decades of progressive entrenchment. The real war isn’t won at the ballot box. It’s being waged against an insidious force embedded deep within our institutions: the administrative state, or the “deep state.”

This isn’t a new problem. America’s founders foresaw it, though they didn’t have a term for “deep state” back in the 1700s. James Madison, in Federalist 48, warned us that combining legislative, executive, and judicial powers in the same hands is “the very definition of tyranny.” Yet today, that’s exactly where we stand. Unelected bureaucrats in agencies like the Environmental Protection Agency, the Department of Energy, and the Department of Justice hold more power than the officials we vote for. They control the levers of government with impunity, dictating policies and stifling change.

This is the fight for the soul of our nation. The founders’ vision of a constitutional republic is under siege.

We’ve felt the consequences of this growing tyranny firsthand. During COVID-19, so-called experts ran our lives, crushing civil liberties under the guise of public safety. Our intelligence agencies and justice system turned into weapons of political warfare, targeting a sitting president and his supporters. Meanwhile, actual criminals were given a pass, turning American cities into lawless war zones.

Thomas Jefferson wrote in 1816 that “the functionaries of every government have propensities to command at will the liberty and property of their constituents.” Today, we see Jefferson’s prophecy fulfilled. The deep state exercises unchecked power over our freedoms, and information itself is controlled by the fourth branch of government: the legacy media.

Even when we win elections, the deep state doesn’t concede defeat. It switches to survival mode. Trump’s first term proved this. Despite a historic mandate to dismantle the bureaucracy, the deep state fought back with everything it had: leaks, investigations, court rulings, and obstruction at every turn. And now, with the possibility of Trump returning to office, the deep state is preparing to do it again.

Progressives are laying out their attack plan — and they’re not even hiding it.

U.S. Rep. Wiley Nickel (D-N.C.) recently boasted about forming a “shadow cabinet” to govern alongside the deep state, regardless of who’s in the White House. Nickel called it “democracy’s insurance policy.” Let’s be clear: This isn’t insurance. It’s sabotage.

They’ll employ a “top down, bottom up, inside out” strategy to overwhelm and collapse any effort to reform the system. From the top, federal judges and shadow officials will block Trump’s every move. Governors in blue states like California and New York are gearing up to resist federal authority. During Trump’s first term, California filed over 100 lawsuits against his administration. Expect more of the same starting January 20.

From the bottom, progressive groups like the American Civil Liberties Union will flood the streets with protesters, much as they did to oppose Trump’s first-term immigration reforms. They’ve refined their tactics since 2016 and are prepared to unleash a wave of civil unrest. These aren’t spontaneous movements; they’re coordinated assaults designed to destabilize the administration.

Finally, from the inside, the deep state will continue its mission of self-preservation. Agencies will drag their feet, leak sensitive information, and undermine policies from within. Their goal is to make everything a chaotic mess, so the heart of their power — the bureaucratic core — remains untouched and grows stronger.

We cannot make the same mistake we made in 2016 — celebrating victory while the deep state plots its next move. Progressives never see themselves as losing. When they’re out of power, they simply shift tactics, pumping more blood into their bureaucratic heart. We may win elections, but the war against the deep state will only intensify. As George Washington warned in his Farewell Address, “Government is not reason, it is not eloquence — it is force; and force, like fire, is a dangerous servant and a fearful master.”

This is the fight for the soul of our nation. The founders’ vision of a constitutional republic is under siege. The deep state has shown us its plan: to govern from the shadows, circumventing the will of the people. But now that the shadows have been exposed, we have a choice. Will we accept this silent tyranny, or will we demand accountability and reclaim our nation’s heart?

The battle is just beginning. We can’t afford to lose.

Editor's Note: This article was originally published on TheBlaze.com.

Drone mystery exposes GLARING government incompetence

Gary Hershorn / Contributor | Getty Images

The drone issue is getting way out of hand.

Earlier this month, Glenn first reported on the mysterious drones stalking the night sky over New Jersey, but the situation is increasingly concerning as the sightings have escalated. Not only have drones been seen across the Northeast Coast, including over New York City, Maryland, and Pennsylvania, but recently, they have been spotted over the night skies of San Diego and other parts of Southern California.

It doesn't take an expert to identify the potential dangers and risks that dozens of undetectable, unidentified six-foot or larger drones pose to national security. Yet, our government's response has been one of unimaginable incompetence, leaving us to speculate on the origin and intention of these drones and wonder in astonishment at the government's ineptitude. Here are three examples of the government's lackluster response to the mystery drones:

Iranian Mothership and Missing Nuclear Warheads

- / Stringer | Getty Images

After several weeks of hubbub, New Jersey Representative, Jeff Van Drew gave an interview on Fox News where he claimed that the drones originated from an Iranian "mothership" off the East Coast of the United States. This theory has since been disproven by satellite images, which show that all Iranian drone carriers are far from U.S. shores. Another theory suggests that drones may be equipped with sensors capable of detecting nuclear material and that they are looking for a nuclear warhead that recently went missing! With these apocalyptic theories gaining traction in the absence of any real answer from our government, one can't help but question the motive behind the silence.

Pentagon's Limp Wristed Response

Alex Wong / Staff | Getty Images

In a recent press conference, national security spokesman John Kirby responded to reporters demanding answers about the government's lack of transparency, which has caused increasing public anxiety. He insisted that the drones did not pose a threat and were not assets of a foreign power, such as from Iran or China--even though he is still uncertain about their identity and origin. He also claimed that many of the sightings were simply misidentifications of normal aircraft.

This lackluster answer has only further inflamed national anxieties and raised even more questions. If the government is unsure of the identity of the drones, how do they know if they are a threat or if they aren't foreign assets? If they aren't foreign, does that mean they are U.S. assets? If so, why not just say so?

The Pentagon has also stated that they are leaving it up to local law enforcement to spearhead the investigation after concluding that these drones pose no threat to any military installation. This has left many feeling like the federal government has turned a blind eye to a serious issue that many Americans are very concerned about.

Where's Pete Buttigieg?

Chip Somodevilla / Staff | Getty Images

We are in the closing weeks of the Biden administration, and with the finish line in sight, Secretary of Transportation Pete Buttigieg probably figured nothing else could go wrong on his watch—but boy was he wrong. As Secretary of Transportation, Buttigieg is in charge of the FAA, the agency responsible for managing all air traffic across the nation. One would think that mysterious, 6-foot-long, seemingly intractable drones are invisible on radar and flying above major cities would pose a serious threat to the myriad of legal aircraft that traverse our skies. Yet, Buttigieg has been silent on the issue, adding another failure to his resume which includes: malfunctioning airplanes, the train derailment in Ohio, and the Baltimore Key Bridge collapse, just to name a few.

Glenn: How Alvin Bragg turned hero Daniel Penny into a villain

Michael M. Santiago / Staff | Getty Images

We cannot allow corrupt institutions to punish those who act to protect life and liberty.

America no longer has a single, shared understanding of justice. Two Americas now exist, each applying justice differently depending on who you are and where you live. One America, ruled by common sense and individual courage, praises heroes who stand up to protect others. The other, driven by political agendas and corrupted institutions, punishes those same heroes for daring to act.

This stark division couldn’t be clearer than in the case of Daniel Penny, the Marine whose trial in New York City this week drew strong reactions from both sides across the divided line of justice.

If we let this slide, we accept a world in which heroes are treated as criminals and the law is a weapon for ideological warfare.

Penny was on a subway train last year when Jordan Neely — a man suffering from severe mental illness and reportedly high on drugs — began threatening passengers, saying, “I’m going to kill you all.” The fear on that subway car was palpable, but nobody moved. Nobody, that is, until Penny did what needed to be done. He took action to protect innocent lives.

In the America many of us used to believe in, Penny’s response would be heralded as heroic. His actions mirrored the courage of Todd Beamer on Flight 93, who, on September 11, 2001, rallied others with the words, “Let’s roll,” to prevent further tragedy. But in New York, courage doesn’t seem to count anymore. There, the system turns heroes into villains.

Penny subdued Neely using a chokehold, intending only to restrain him, not kill him. Tragically, Neely died. Penny, filled with remorse, told the police he never meant to hurt anyone. Yet, instead of being recognized for protecting others from a clear and present threat, Penny stood trial for criminally negligent homicide.

In Alvin Bragg’s New York, justice bends to ideology. The Manhattan district attorney has made a career of weaponizing the law, selectively prosecuting those who don’t fit his narrative. He’s the same prosecutor who twisted legal precedent to go after Donald Trump on business charges no one had ever faced before. Then, he turned his sights on Daniel Penny.

A jury may have acquitted Penny, but what happened in New York City this week isn’t justice. When the rule of law changes depending on the defendant’s identity or the prosecutor's political motives, we’re no longer living in a free country. We’re living in a state where justice is a game, and ordinary Americans are the pawns.

The system failed Jordan Neely

It’s worth asking: Where were activists like Alvin Bragg when Neely was suffering on the streets? Jordan Neely was a tragic figure — a man with a long history of mental illness and over 40 arrests, including violent assaults. The system failed him long before he stepped onto that subway train. Yet rather than confront that uncomfortable truth, Bragg’s office decided to target the man who stepped in to prevent a tragedy.

This isn’t about justice. It’s about power. It’s about advancing a narrative where race and identity matter more than truth and common sense.

It’s time to demand change

The Daniel Penny case — and others like it — is a wake-up call. We cannot allow corrupt institutions to punish those who act to protect life and liberty. Americans must demand an end to politically driven prosecutions, hold DAs like Alvin Bragg accountable, and stand up for the principle that true justice is blind, consistent, and fair.

If we let this slide, we accept a world in which heroes are treated as criminals and the law is a weapon for ideological warfare. It’s time to choose which America we want to live in.

Editor's Note: This article was originally published on TheBlaze.com.

CEO Brian Thompson's killer reveals COWARDICE of the far-left death cult

Jeff Swensen / Stringer | Getty Images

Early on the chilly morning of Wednesday, December 4th, Brian Thompson, CEO of health insurance giant, UnitedHealthcare, was walking through Midtown Manhattan on his way to a company conference. Suddenly, a masked and hooded figure silently allegedly stepped onto the sidewalk behind Thompson, drew a 3-D printed, silenced pistol, and without warning fired multiple shots into Thompson's back before fleeing the scene on an electric bicycle. After a multiple-day manhunt, a 26-year-old lead suspect was arrested at a McDonald's in Altoona, Pennsylvania after being recognized by an employee.

This was not "vigilante justice." This was cold-blooded murder.

As horrific as the murder of a husband and father in broad daylight in the center of New York City is, the story only gets worse. Even before the murder suspect was arrested, left-wing extremists were already taking to X to call him a "hero" and a "vigilante" who "took matters into his own hands." Even the mainstream media joined in on the glorification, as Glenn pointed out on air recently, going out of the way to show how physically attractive the murder suspect was. This wave of revolting and nihilistic fanfare came in response to the findings of online investigators who surmised the murder suspect's motives to retaliate against healthcare companies for corruption and denied coverage. The murder suspect supposedly underwent a major back surgery that left him with back pain, and some of his internet fans apparently viewed his murder of Thompson as retribution for the mistreatment that he and many other Americans have suffered from healthcare companies.

The murder suspect and his lackeys don't seem to understand that, other than depriving two children of their father right before Christmas, he accomplished nothing.

The murder suspect failed to achieve his goal because he was too cowardly to try.

If the murder suspect's goals were truly to "right the wrongs" of the U.S. healthcare system, he had every tool available to him to do so in a constructive and meaningful manner. He came from a wealthy and prominent family in the Baltimore area, became the valedictorian at a prestigious all-boys prep school, and graduated from the University of Pennsylvania with a master's in engineering. Clearly, the murder suspect was intelligent and capable, and if he had put his talent into creating solutions for the healthcare industry, who knows what he could have accomplished?

This is the kind of behavior the far-left idolizes, like communists on college campuses who wear shirts that celebrate the brutal Cuban warlord, Che Guevara. Merchandise celebrating the UnitedHealthcare CEO murder suspect is already available, including shirts, hoodies, mugs, and even Christmas ornaments. Will they be sporting his face on their T-shirts too?

This macabre behavior does not breed creation, achievement, success, or life. It only brings death and risks more Americans falling into this dangerous paradigm. But we still have a chance to choose life. We just have to wake up and take it.