Overweight. Lazy. Cantankerous. Orange.

Can you guess who I’m describing?

You’re right! It’s Garfield!!!

I usually hate cats, but I think Garfield could be my spirit animal. We both love Italian food and hate the first day of the week with irrational animosity. Despite his raw cynicism and blatant endorsement of binge eating, people all around the world have held a soft spot in their hearts for him for decades.

For example, Garfield hasn’t been relevant in popular culture since the eighties and yet the cartoon was played by legendary actor Bill Murray in, not one, but TWO movies in the 2000’s. AND they actually made money! “Garfield: The Movie” earned $201 million worldwide on a $50 million budget. “Garfield: A Tale of Two Kitties” grossed a worldwide total of $142 million!

How is this Garfield empire possible?!

One word: Fear.

You are absolutely terrified of Garfield and will go to great lengths to keep him happy. Chances are you were traumatized as a child by the book “Garfield: His Nine Lives.” The documentary “Family Guy” first brought this book to my attention… I was so fascinated by Peter Griffin’s synopsis that I had to make sure the book actually existed.

It does. And now I own it and am terrified of its contents.

For one, the book is based on the false premise that cats have more than one life. This is incorrect. Cats are not special, they have one shot at life just like everybody else. So this implies that Garfield is in fact, a cat zombie, because he somehow keeps coming back to life. And his lives are freaking nightmare fuel.

Thanks to Garfield: His Nine Lives, we learn that he was once an alcoholic, womanizing private detective in the 1940’s named “Sam Spayed.” Sam Spayed was not a good guy…but the worst part about him was that he had the head of a cat and body of a man. He was an absolute freak of nature. That’s just not biologically possible on any level. Could you imagine a person with a cat head?! That’s terrifying!

Garfield’s fifth life doesn’t get any better.

In this life, he is a lab animal who is experimented on by the United States government. Now, we all can handle a little shot here and there…but Garfield can’t. After being injected with some experimental goo, he viciously attacks and presumably kills the scientist and escapes into the wilderness.

But it gets worse. The chemicals inside Garfield start to transform him into another species altogether: A dog. Again,biologically implausible. And not only is this cat now a dog, but he’s a dog with… Michael Jackson Thriller eyes. A monster dog with cat genes that has glowing eyes is now free to roam the world and cause death and destruction.

Shame on you, Jim Davis. Shame on you.

But nothing compares to Garfield’s seventh life. Even Garfield prefaces this chapter with the warning, “There are some forces within a cat that should never be toyed with. I discovered them in my seventh life. Read on…If you dare.”

It starts out all cute and cuddly. We learn that Garfield was once an adorable housecat named Tigger. But then Tigger apparently drinks some milk spiked with what can only be bath salts. And he starts having a really, really bad trip. Like really bad. He thinks an evil ancient cat ancestor wants to fist bump him and take over his body for sinister purposes. Tigger is clearly in massive amounts of pain as the evil ancient spirit consumes his being. Look at this! Horrific!!

But what happens next will shock you to your very core…

Sweet, old Maw Maw wants to play with her kitty cat… …AND GETS BRUTALLY MURDERED BY TIGGER.

And that’s how I found out that America’s favorite flabby orange tabby is a ruthless, deranged Grandma killer.

But do you know what’s even more terrifying than that little revelation?

Garfield in 1978…

What is this grotesque monstrosity?! That’s the Jeffy of cats. Monday’s don’t seem so scary now, do they?

To conclude… don’t EVER, under any circumstances, open or even go anywhere near Garfield: His Nine Lives. Just like Garfield’s gender, the reason why Jim Davis wrote this book of horrors remains an enigma.

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